Judy Knows Best

Whilst the quality of daytime television is, for the most part, utterly abysmal, there is at least one exception to this rule: Judge Judy. Now I can hear the gasps of incredulity spewing from the mouths of readers, but bear with me on this. Judge Judy is a legend to whom governments, law makers and law enforcement agencies should pay heed. Before you ask, yes I am serious. In fact, if the world was run according to the Judge Judy model of justice, what a wonderful world it would be.

A classic example of Judge Judy’s wisdom and attitude to the idiots among us occurred just this week with an episode that literally had me cheering with joy. Yes, much of what happened typified a normal episode of Judge Judy’s televised court proceedings. As is almost always the case, it was a case of rednecks versus rednecks in which Judy has to always speak slowly and use simple language to make sure she is understood by the various combatants. In this particular case, as with so many on which she adjudicates in any given episode, it really was just a case of he said/she said and tit-for-tat allegations of impropriety and wrongdoing.

What was genius about this case was that Judy so disliked two of the defendants that, before any real evidence was presented, she simply told both of them that ‘you are a moron and you are to pay the plaintiff $600.00’. The plaintiff got $1200 before they even had to explain why they were suing just because two idiots couldn’t mask their stupidity long enough for the case to be heard. That is brilliant. Forget the facts of the case, disregard the realities of who may, or may not, be at fault and just make people pay for being stupid. Even better, she ultimately ruled that the other two defendants who, it must be said, didn’t seem quite as intellectually vacant as their co-accused and were quite polite and respectful in court, were also ordered to pay $600 each simply because they were silly enough to associate with the two idiots. The facts of the case were never even really addressed because, as Judge Judy quite rightly pointed out, if you are a moron and/or surround yourself with morons, the chances are that you are probably responsible for doing something stupid. We could save so much time and money in our judicial system if we applied such a theory to all cases.

Yes, I know that Judge Judy is made for entertainment (which it achieves in spades), but surely it is much better that the nincompoops of the world are being penalised, rather than the nonsense we see with other reality television – such as the likes of Big Brother or Jersey Shore or the myriad other programs of a similar ilk – in which moronic behaviour is rewarded with celebrity and prizes. After all, what does it say about the state of the world if we celebrate stupidity? I for one am very thankful that Judge Judy doesn’t subscribe to such notions and is prepared to ensure that idiots are held accountable for the harm they inflict upon the world purely through their existence. I wish I had a dollar for every time that Judge Judy stared down one of the fools appearing before her and stated ‘you sir are an idiot’. Yes, she is stating the obvious but the problem is that, whilst it’s obvious to us, those to whom she is speaking have no idea of just how stupid they are, which is perhaps the scariest thing of all.

A recent local example saw a teenaged driver posting a video on Facebook in which he claims to be driving drunk, speeding and, at one point, with no hands on the steering wheel, all the while recording himself on his mobile phone. Now, the police clam that they unable to prove that any of the drivers claims are true and are therefore unable to take any action. If the Judge Judy approach was applied, the police wouldn’t have to waste their time and money investigating, they could simply charge him with being an idiot and penalise him accordingly. Forget evidence and proof of ‘crimes’ or trying to prove right and wrong, just rid society of the morons among us and crime prevention will take care of itself. Don’t wait for stupid people to do stupid things, just take action before it happens and we all benefit.

Imagine if every moron we encountered was ordered to pay us money simply for inflicting us with their stupidity? That would be amazing and would certainly go some way to compensate for the valuable minutes we lose every time we have to interact with the increasing number of imbeciles that we encounter on a daily basis. If you are stupid and thereby say or do something stupid, there is a penalty that must be applied. Forget zombies, we are on the brink of being swamped by a moron apocalypse as the rednecks and bogans among us seem to be multiplying at a rate far greater than those with any semblance of intelligence, so keep up the good work Judy, we need more like you.

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